Lizardyoga's Weblog

Darling, I was marvellous!

lizardyoga — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:11:01 +0000

Great session at drama group last night: lots of improv. and moving around which was huge fun. My big speech was ‘I don’t believe it!’ which I tried not to do like Victor Meldrew: I was a single parent being shown a crummy house by a sleazy landlord. Jason talked about extras in Corrie etc having a back-story: this reminded me of Phoebe in ‘Friends’ going somewhat over the top with her back-story and slapping one of the main characters:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYUzRLZbtvE

Daniel is also doing drama today at a new group which meets in the Herrick Rd centre: should be good for his confidence.

Does my ask look big in this?

Now, regular readers of this blog will know that I am very exercised about language; not only correctness but also elegance, poetry and appropriateness – and I have conceived an irrational but teeth-gnashing hatred for the phrase ‘a big ask’. I can’t say why I loathe this phrase so much, but it is creeping in everywhere. So don’t let me hear any of you using it when there is such a plethora of alternatives. You can say, a serious requirement; a considerable request, a great demand, a huge exigency…. Just don’t say ‘a big ask’!!!!! EVER!!!!

I’m hoping my Leonard Cohen CD will come today, especially as we can’t afford to go to the tribute at the Musician:

http://www.goleicestershire.com/see-and-do/thedms.aspx?dms=13&feature=1011&venue=2525039&easi=true

Though I have to say the fact that they refer to Cohen as ‘sub-textural‘ does ease the pain somewhat…

Here’s the CD I’m waiting for:

http://www.popmatters.com/pm/review/153881-leonard-cohen-old-ideas/

Kirk out

Dances with Sheep

lizardyoga — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:37:53 +0000

Rejoice! I have a new laptop, courtesy of some unexpected nuns at St Matthews (you don’t expect nuns at St Matthews under any circumstances, as those of us who know Leicester will assure you). They were lovely people – unhabited and very generous, giving me a really nice laptop with linux already on it. Sadly it won’t connect to the internet but that’s probably a good thing because every time I come to a creative halt I tend to ‘just have a quick look at facebook’…

Mark had a dream last night about ______ (someone of our acquaintance): she wrote him a letter on the outside of an A4 envelope and suggested he should take homeopathic hematite: I laughed because this is exactly the sort of thing this person (let us call her Pita*) would do. At a distance, she is hilarious and would make a good Dickens character: I was once at her house in what she laughingly called her ‘sitting-room’ which was strewn with old clothes, dirty clothes, clean clothes, toys, papers, books and other unidentifiable objects. She sat on the floor in the midst of all this – as did we, there being no room on the sofa – and, taking a piece of card from somewhere, proceeded to pick up tiny pieces of fluff and dirt from the carpet and put them on the card. It might have been tidying – it might have been art – but when the kettle boiled she got up and caught the corner of the card, upsetting it all back onto the carpet. We very unwisely helped her move house (this was before I’d got to know her) – when we arrived at her home in Sussex she hadn’t packed anything and the kitchen was full of unwashed plates: in the end we had to take the dirty washing-up with us. She’s the sort of person who is hilarious at a distance but utterly enraging if you have to have anything to do with her: I was quite literally dancing with rage over some of the things she did.

On a lighter note, I have had an email from Mary in Mexico. She attached some photos, including one of her looking very tanned (chiz chiz chiz) sitting with a sewing-machine and about an acre of white canvas, apparently sewing something technical onto the edge of the sail (splicing the mainbrace, perhaps?) It’s a hand sewing machine, so that must have been hard work. I think they are planning to go sailing in Feb.

Today as well as killing Mark (don’t ask) I shall be finishing my memoir of being a VK (Vicar’s Kid) and sending it off to Fish publishing.

*short for Pain In the Arse

And speaking of tipping-points…

lizardyoga — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 10:12:18 +0000

Have you reached yours yet? There comes a point in the lives of all of us where time, which has hitherto been inching slowly on, like a rack-and-pinion railway climbing a mountain, stops crawling and, having reached the top, gives a lurch and begins positively to whoosh. And that point is reached round about middle-age; for me it happened with the menopause and for men I guess there’s an equivalent, though it may not be so noticeable. On Sundays we have double-time: Sundays used to drip by when I was a child, now they rush like someone doing a two-minute supermarket dash.

Here’s a poem I wrote about it:

Sunday

afternoons

drip

draught

counters

click

sudden

triumph

builds

tottering

towers:

game over.

Not as good as Donne’s brilliant poem about time:

http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/donne/sunrising.htm

See also the last two lines of Marvell’s poem:

http://everything2.com/title/To+His+Coy+Mistress

That’s enough metaphysical poetry – Ed

Kirk out

Too Many Cats Spoil the Watch

lizardyoga — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:33:10 +0000

It’s national bird-watching day today, as I’m sure you knew. Sadly, no birds come anywhere near our garden as there are too many cats and not enough space to take off and land; however, there are parks nearby and larger gardens as you get to the posher bit of West End, so I don’t think there will be a dearth of habitats or feeding areas. But it is cold today! You’ll know that of course – unless you are still under the duvet surfing with a hand-held device (fnarr, fnarr!). So now I’ve got that song from Mary Poppins in my head – you know, ‘Feed the birds, twopence a bag…’ Note the traditional spelling of ‘twopence’ – not ‘tuppence’ – though I’m not opposed to ‘tuppence’ at least in principle. This sets me off thinking about changes in spelling and how there’s a tipping point – something is wrong, though a few people do it: it’s still wrong, though more people do it – people keep on doing it and doing it and then! All of a sudden, it’s acceptable and before you know it the OED have caved in and swallowed it. How long before the abominable ‘alright’ is all right?

I think we should be told.

*Warning – taboo subject under discussion*

I have a friend who is currently in hospital with cancer. This is upsetting and thinking about her this morning set me off on attitudes towards death and dying. If it was me I’d freak everyone out by being totally up-front about it, posting blog entries saying: ‘This week I hall be doing a bit of groaning, next week I’ll be subsiding and the week after I’m saying goodbye to everyone. Mark has some good plans for the funeral…’ I’d stick titles on my posts saying ’31 days to go…30 days to go…’ It’d be like banners counting down to the Olympics. ’Going… going… oh, wait – I’m still here.’

I think humour is very important when facing death, as is – well, facing death; something we’re not very good at, as a society. Reading Dickens I’m struck by how much better they were at it. But of course death has replaced sex as the great taboo nowadays.

OK that’s it. Happy Saturday everyone.

(Damn. That’s the blog stats scuppered.)

Wot no answers to my questions yesterday?

*Sigh*

Kirk out

Ken Clarke dancing with Ann Widdecombe

lizardyoga — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 09:28:59 +0000

I can’t help thinking about how celebrity seems to subside when it reaches the House of Commons: there have been ‘celebrities’ who have entered parliament and found themselves pushed to the background in a place where looks are largely irrelevant. Although it’s worth noting that Milliband and Cameron share the same bland-featured physiognomy as Blair, many others are more individual: Teresa May and Harriet Harman are individually recognisable; Brown, though repellent in every aspect, was instantly knowable – whereas, when you look at the latest – and, please God! the last – batch of ‘slebs’ on Big Brother it’s hard to tell them apart. ’Who’s that?’ I say to Holly. ’Chagara,’ she says, nonchalantly. ’And who is Chagara?’ I enquire. Holly shrugs. ’Singer,’ is all I can get out of her. What these people are - ie famous – is obviously far more important than what they do (if anything). There are at least two on the current BB who must be clones of each other *, though the men, of course, have more freedom to be ugly, so long as they make up for it by being muscular and having the requisite number of tattoos. So I am happy with the tendency of parliament to render these features irrelevant.

On no Account

If I banked with RBS I would move my account after hearing today’s news:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-16752358

Except that I can’t because I have an overdraft. Can you move overdrafts from one bank to another? Has anyone done this? What were your experiences?

It’s cold today – in fact it’s decidedly parky – and this leads me to wonder what the origin of the word ‘parky’ might be. I doubt whether it’s anything to do with being in the park. Let us consult the oracle:

‘Mark? Mark? What’s the origin of the word ‘parky’?’

‘I dunno’, he says. ’Sounds like rhyming slang to me.’ He thinks about it. ’Parkinson’s disease – freeze.’

LOL. Anyone know the origin of the word ‘parky’?

I hope it’s rhyming slang – I’m a great fan of that particular argot, especially as it’s a living thing, still being invented. My favourite is George Cole’s character in ‘Minder’ saying ‘Me Chalfonts are killin’ me’.

So: today’s prize question is – what are Chalfonts? The first person to comment gets a special mention in tomorrow’s post.

Kirk out

*sadly I have since found out that they are twins

Hey! I’m flying by the seat of my pants!

lizardyoga — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 10:09:30 +0000

I’m starting this blog post without a thought in my head and just seeing where it takes me. Wow! Exhilarating. The reason being that I slept late, the N154 virus (or whatever it is) still draining my energy. So I am here in my dressing-gown and slippers trying to dredge a word or two from what I am pleased to call my consciousness. And nothing is coming.

I read another blog post this morning about whether characters can surprise you – in other words, when you write, does a character refuse to do a thing you wanted them to do and insist on doing something completely different? By which I mean that, when you write, there is a resistance – the words refuse to come until you rethink the situation and go in a different direction. Well, the writer of the blog thinks it doesn’t happen – or at least, not to her – whereas I think it does.

http://betsylerner.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/hey-hey-mama-said-the-way-you-move-gonna-make-you-sweat-gonna-make-you-groove/

Not sure why she put a line from Led Zep as the title though. I think very carefully about my titles…

Finishing off the memoir for Fish about my childhood. It’s not bad, I think, but even being good is no guarantee they will like it. ’Study the magazine,’ they all say. That’s all very well but there are only so many hours in a day and no money at all in my bank account, so there’s a limit to how many magazines, web sites, e-zines and competitions you can ‘study’. Perhaps I should set aside a few weeks just for this at some point. Might not be a bad idea.

The radio play is coming on – I’ve got a rough time-line sorted and should be ready to start writing it properly soon. I am also convinced (and I don’t think this is just ego) that judging by the current crop of sitcoms on Radio 4 at 6.30, I could do better;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0126bw5

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01bgnxm

Honestly. They’ve got every cliche in the book and no new ideas. ’Clare in the Community’ is about the only decent sitcom I’ve heard for a long time.

OK Mark is champing at the bit; or at least, at the bit of toast (he breakfasts late) as he hasn’t finished his blog post yet, so I must away!

http://homeedandherbs.blogspot.com/

Kirk out

Thank you for choosing this virus

lizardyoga — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 10:08:11 +0000

Thank you for choosing the N154 strain of ‘cold’ virus. Your body is important to us and we will endeavour to deliver on our stated guarantee as set out below. Please don’t forget to check the terms and conditions in order to verify your guaranteed status.

Our Commitment to You

With N154 strain of ‘cold’ virus you can expect:

a guaranteed FIVE weeks minimum of illness
at least TWO weeks of streaming - runny nose and sneezing 24/7
a further two weeks of coughing, spluttering and wheezing (asthma subscribers have a bonus here)
the bonus feature: when symptoms have elapsed you can expect at least a full WEEK of fatigue and listlessness

You can sign up more easily in the future – to subscribe to other, similar viruses you need do nothing – they will be made available and you will be informed in due course.

LOL

Update: Daniel had four teeth out yesterday under general anaesthetic. It’s weird seeing your child go under; one minute they’re lucid and the next the eyeballs turn upwards and they’ve gone. Disturbing. When he had his leg operated on we had a nurse take care of us afterwards as we found it quite upsetting the first time. The staff were all great at the Royal, if a little patronising in Daniel’s eyes as they’re geared to looking after smaller children. But at least they try. Anyway, everything was quite straightforward and he should recover well.

Today I shall be mostly… enjoying my fourth week of subscription to the N154 virus.

Kirk out

Torturing Animals for Pleasure and Profit

lizardyoga — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:30:59 +0000

Apparently battery hens no longer exist in the EU, which is a Good Thing. I hadn’t noticed there weren’t any non free-range eggs; only that it was easier to get hold of the free-range variety than it had been. But according to Mark they have been universally banned. Cheers. However, people can always find new ways to torture animals for pleasure or profit (or both) viz. the latest factory-farming story in the Archers where Brian (‘Oh, Brahn!’) Aldridge along with Borchester Land wants to construct a huge warehouse full of cows who never see daylight or eat grass. Repugnant; but of course Brian responds to any criticism in a hurt and aggrieved tone as though no-one in their right minds could possibly oppose such a benevolent and humane scheme. Frankly, I’m very disappointed in Debbie, whose idea it was in the first place.

I don’t think you have to be sentimental or anthropomorphise animals to believe them capable of suffering. In yoga philosophy all living things are considered to be interconnected and to harm one living thing is ultimately to damage yourself.

You have been warned.

Daniel has to go to the hospital today to have a couple of teeth out. He is not happy. We had to wait about 9 months for the appointment to come through; he will be nil-by-mouth from 11 and the appointment is at 1. Gwyneth is giving us a lift back. What would we do without Gwyneth?

I don’t know.

And finally, a sobering incident. Last night Holly let out a wail for no apparent reason. ’What’s the matter?’ I said.

‘I’ve just realised,’ she said. ’In 12 years I’ll be 30! That’s so old!’

I thought about it. ’In 12 years I’ll be nearly 60,’ I said.

‘No, Mum,’ she corrected me. ’In 12 years you’ll be nearly 70.’

And while I collapsed on the sofa in a near-death experience she continued to wail, ’30! That’s sooo old!!’

Loll

Kirk out

SOFA, SOPA, OSFA

lizardyoga — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 08:49:37 +0000

What connects the above? I’ll tell you in a mo…

I am finding the news particularly depressing and anxiety-inducing at the moment, so instead I am listening to this. Highly recommended, especially if you are worried about anything:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d63COahIpVM

Today I have a yoga session with a student: I also have to complete the work of historical fiction – I mean, memoir – that is my tax return. Why is it that doing my tax return makes me feel as though someone is sticking red-hot daggers into my liver? I mean, it’s just figures on a bit of paper – or in this case, a screen: so why should it feel as though I am allowing complete strangers to enter my house and poke around in my entrails? Cos that’s how it seems – I have to gird my metaphorical loins every time I broach the website.

On the plus side, I have finally persuaded Mark to download skype so that we can talk to Mary in Mexico. Apparently we have missed the Tulsa window and she is now back in Baja California (this is not California but the bit of Mexico with a long arm. It won’t save the page so go here and put in Baja California:

http://maps.google.co.uk/

So: to SOFA etc. Well, SOPA, the US-interfering-with-everyone bill, has been killed by Obama. Hurrah! Finally the Prezza does something good. OSFA stands for One Size Fits All and SOFA used to be a furniture-recycling place which helped homeless people, refugees etc set up home. The whole thing, frankly, was just a way of cobbling together a title for this blog.

Mea culpa.

Speaking of culpae, to be honest with you, I have decided to be a little less self-righteous – for the truth is, I don’t know what I would do in any given situation and, though I am fairly sure I wouldn’t have diverged from the planned course of a ferry in order to ‘salute a friend’, I am not 100% convinced what I would do when threatened with death by drowning. I’d like to think I’d help others and save children first – but the truth is, till it happens, I don’t know. And that, not knowing, makes me profoundly uneasy. We all want to think well of ourselves, and one easy way to boost our own self-regard is to criticise others. Hence the success of the tabloids.

Have to go now as I need to send an email to an address I’ve lost. It’s not easy to send an email to an address you’ve lost.

Kirk off

Round-up of the week

lizardyoga — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 09:34:52 +0000

It being Sunday, here is a round-up of the week.

Definition of the week: immutable. Meaning – someone who can’t be silenced

Punctuation mark of the week: the comma

Soundbite of the week: a handbag?

Disappointment of the week: Ed Milliband

Rat of the week: the captain of the Costa Concordia

Worrying legislation of the week: SOPA

Film of the week: The Iron Lady

Theft of the week: The Waterstones apostrophe

and finally, misunderstanding of the week: Boko Haram are responsible for bombings in Nigeria, not Procul Harum.

LOL

Have a good Sunday

Kirk out