(Note: posts describing the period of psychosis have been deleted. In this post I attempt to sum up a retrospective view of this period.)
Here’s what I think now:
it seemed real to me for the following reasons:
1. It came to me unbidden, without any conscious or voluntary action on my part
2. I did not believe my unconscious could invent such things
3. Experiences such as waking at 3 am and being in ecstatic communion were so far outside my realm of reality that I thought they must be connected with someone else.
I now realise that the mind is far deeper and more complex than I had understood, and that in times of upheaval it is able to present as reality those experiences which are not real.
I also believe there was a deep wisdom in all of this, which allowed me to believe in the reality in order to get me to a certain point, viz:
I was very stuck in my life and my art. Fulfilment involved an upheaval so terrifying that I kept putting it off from day to day just as Proust did.
Whether or not there was any connection with anyone outside me is something I will never know. And that is as it should be.
On a deep spiritual level this has all been for my development. I have experienced divine love. It all got tangled up with one individual but now I can separate the strands. Even though it has been the hardest thing I have ever done, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.
I hope these comments may be of use to anyone who is going through a similar thing. If you are, here are some of the things that worked for me:
- be aware that the physical is where we live
- stand. Literally! Stand on your own two feet. Practise the mountain pose
- connect to your breath
- do lots of karma yoga (washing up, gardening etc. Connect with the earth and nature)
- avoid meditation, even if you are deeply drawn to it
- eat regularly and eat wholesome food
- try to get enough sleep
- Use your support network. Don’t neglect your family and friends. Tell those who love you what is going on with you. Ask for their support but ask them to refrain from suggesting solutions or interpretations.
- Give it all to a higher power (whatever you believe in.) If this means nothing to you, just give it to the earth. Imagine you are breathing it all out.
- Try to enjoy life! Don’t stop doing the things you enjoy. Go out for meals, drinks – visit friends. Connect yourself to others in an everyday sense. Keep in touch.
- Avoid taking up any new activity or challenge at this time.
If you want to post any comments or questions, please do. I am not an expert, except that, having been through these experiences, I am an expert on my own psychosis.