This is called Samskara in yoga.
How was my weekend? I hear you cry. Well.. a bit mixed. After thiis whole psychotic trip I had some bad times, some very dark and paunful moments when this whole thing seemed like a repetition of what I went through after Dave: ie being in a very dark place and failing to teach. So there were moments when the whole weeken (a residential with my students) seemed to be falling apart. Some of them got annoyed with me because I forgot things they had told me. I had forgotten anything told to me in the previous three months. The only thing I could do about this was explain slightly and apologise.
It was clear to me that a lot of complex dynamics were going on with my students and that training teachers is a whole different ball-game from teaching ordinary students, in the way they relate to you. I’m sure I flt the same degree of difficulty when starting to teach, but it’s so lng ago now, and I have developed such a degree of expertise (not only in teaching but in dealing with people) that I can’t remember how it was. Anyway, my thought on all this was that I now need a guru for myself in order to do this. So I asked the universe to bring me one.
Watch this space!
Odd, really. I never wanted a guru – never thought I could trust anyone enough to give them that kind of power. But then, I never thought I could trust anyone enough to get married and share my life with them. And I think that where I am now is analogous to where I was before Mark and I got married – ie just before a big life-change.
My difficulty is this: how to be a genius but also come back down to earth so that I don’t screw up as a teacher. Because I need the teaching as well as the writing. I am Gemini, a twin sign, and I have these two aspects to my being. Also I think women approach things differently. This makes things harder but is ultimately a strength. because we don’t put all our eggs (!) in one basket. These thoughts are connected also to male orgasm and the “pushing through” (or penetrative!) aspect of male energy. Women are slower, more diffuse, but we get there, and in the end, it is the female energy (not always the individula woman) who is wiser. As the Tao says:
“Know the masculine, but keep to the feminine”. Because it is the female energy that is in touch with where we live. And that is what we need – to come back down to earth.