I can no longer think of snappy titles for these posts.
Thunk! That’s the sound of a thought I had yesterday, which was this. During the course of my whole ***** trip, my psychotic nightmares which lasted three months, I did not have a period. so all of this coincided with the menopause getting into its stride. I am not prepared to see the whole thing purely in terms of hormones (though to do so is not by any means to dismiss it) – but it is clear that there was a connection there. Germaine Greer thinks that after the menopause is when a woman comes into her own, finds her own wisdom. I think she’s right
Mantras yesterday: Om Aim Saraswatiai Namah. This is the mantra of Saraswati, aka Sarada, goddess of wisdom, creativity and all that flows (there is a river in India called the Saraswati). This felt great – like I was really coming into my own.
This whole ***** trip was a somewhat bruising encounter with the masculine. Now I shall, as the Tao says, know the masculine but keep to the feminine.
What else was I thinking? Yes, that when I publish a book of poems I want to write introductions to at least some of them, because it will be like having an audience, connecting with the reader.
I am going to keep occupied at the weekend because according to the zenith of my psychotic nightmare, that was to have been the time I was on stage with *****.
Future thoughts
At the chalet yesterday, thinking about this idea of living in community that always resurfaces. I want to be part of some community where we grow some food (without being exhaustively and exhaustingly self-sufficient!) where children can run free and be a part of everything, where we live communally but also have some family and individual space, where we have some kind of shared values but no dogma, where Mark can do herbalism and I can do yoga.
The problem will be time for writing. I am not a natural leader, though I have taken up that position by default when I think there are things that should happen and no-one else is doing them. (for example, when I set up a CND group in Hounslow, or organised the collection of milk-bottle tops at junior school. Apathy in others is not something I find easy to deal with. I am very impatient with it but I’m not a natural galvaniser of others.) But I’m not comfortable with being a leader: I’m a natural democrat who thinks that everyone should make decisions and work together. Power dynamics ie people taking power in this situation, drive me crazy . It seems to me so juvenile and pointless. I have never understood the desire for that kind of power. I just don’t see what people get out of it. I used to enjoy the novels of CP Snow (another Leicester writer) for their dissection of power, though at the end of it I still didn’t understand the urge.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._P._Snow –
Incidentally, did you know it is to him that we owe the phrase “Corridors of Power?” I bet you didn’t. One of his novels, set in Westminster and about his time as minister in the Wilson government, is called that. He is now completely forgotten, and it’s not fair. His novels may be out of date but he should be remembered, at least in Leicester.
Rant over. So the main problems about this community idea (apart from the tiny one of finding a house and land!) are the dynamics of power, and finding time to write. I must have time to write.
It is hard when one has so many aspects to one’s being, to realise them all. They seem to compete. This I suppose is part of being a Gemini.
If you live in the East Midlands (or are willing to travel) and are interested in the idea of living in community – or if you have set up a community similar to this, send me your thoughts.
Sarada Gray 