Am I an Insecure Writer?

Am I?  Hell, yes!  How am I an insecure writer?  Let me count the ways:

I am insecure financially.  Every month is a struggle, every trip to the shops a juggle.  (See what I did there?  I can make art out of anything!)

I am insecure in my talent.  Do I have any talent, or am I just kidding myself?  Sometimes I feel I’m shot through with holes like a paper doyley.

I am insecure whenever I send anything off.  Is it any good?  What will people think when they read it?  Will it even get read?

I am insecure when the work comes back – or more likely, doesn’t come back.  Often there’s just an empty silence.  You throw out a message in a bottle and it gets washed up or else it drowns.  What it doesn’t do is get to the person you want to send it to.  So here I am on my desert island losing my bottles.

Ho ho.

I am insecure whenever I publish something.  I am terrified of bad reviews and nasty comments and even constructive criticism can feel like a cannon-ball blasting a hole in my gut.

So that’s quite a good array of insecurities.  Fortunately for me, today is insecure writers’ day.  It has been brought to my attention that there is a blog for people like me (which, let’s face it, is probably just about every writer – I imagine even JK Rowling has bad days.)  I once saw Stephen Fry deal with stage fright by making a joke of all his fears, which included tripping over, vomiting all over the audience, forgetting the English language and saying something completely inappropriate.  Any performer worth their salt is terrified before they go on stage.  Last summer I was on my way to a poetry performance when I ran into a friend.  God, she said.  You look like you’re on your way to be executed.

Which was exactly how I felt.  Why do I put myself through this? I was thinking.  And the reason is the same for me as it is for any other artist (performer, writer) – because I must.  A part of my nature demands it.

There’s a comedy series on Channel 4 (yes, I do watch other channels occasionally) called The Mimic.  It’s about a guy who works in a supermarket but is an excellent mimic and dreams of one day having his own TV show.  A friend of his gets him an interview on TV – his big break – and when the big moment comes, he’s hiding in the toilets.  And that, when it comes down to it, is a far worse nightmare than any of the others; that when your big moment comes, you’ll be hiding in the toilets.  As  T S Eliot put it, ‘I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker.  And in short, I was afraid.’

So that’s me being an insecure writer.  But you gotta go out there and do it because, like they say, in the end it’s not the things you do that you regret; it’s the things you don’t do.  So I fall flat on my face – so what?  I can get up and make a joke and start again.

Although vomiting on the audience is I guess harder to deal with…

Anyway, here’s the support group:

http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html

Kirk out

 

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13 Comments

Filed under drama, money, my magnum hopeless, poems

13 responses to “Am I an Insecure Writer?

  1. I’m completely with you on the insecurities. Getting criticism on your writings is like having someone say they don’t like your kids. It’s brutal.
    BTW- I love the “snow” on your page- makes me remember watching snowflakes fall in the winter!

  2. It’s a good thing to be an insecure writer, though. Better than to be one of those truly awful ones who is convinced his work is pure gold which needs no improvement and can’t even put together one readable sentence.
    Being insecure gives you a drive to improve your writing, at least.

  3. doreenb8

    The end of the year always leaves me feeling insecure even a bit like a loser but this year will be different, I am looking forward to a new year and reasonable goals. Keep writing, keep moving forward!

  4. The day and a half before I do a book signing, I spend most of my time vomiting in a toilet. That’s the whole point, though. Rather than vomit on my audience, I hugged the toilet. How kind of me.

  5. OH MY GOD YOUR BLOG IS SNOWING! That’s awesome.

    We’re all insecure. For some the insecurity prevents them from even putting word to paper. But if you’re finishing stuff, getting it out to publishers and getting published, you are doing something right. Keep it up!

    IWSG December

  6. Rebecca Douglass

    Great addition to the IWSG! Oh, yeah. Public appearances can be hard for writers. After all, most of us like to spend most of our time in a room alone with a word processor. And we all fear rejection and ridicule. But you’ve got the right idea–you have to face it, and try to avoid vomiting.

  7. Glad I didn’t hide in the toilets!
    Welcome to the IWSG. You are in the right place.

  8. Ula

    Yes, I agree! Gotta keep going despite

  9. Ula

    Yes, I agree! Gotta keep going despite it all. Welcome to the group.

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