Devoted readers of these pages may remember a post, nine or so months ago, where I outlined the rules of Poosticks:
Like the better-known game invented by Pooh, it involves sticks: unlike that game, it involves poo. Well, now a new version of Poosticks has been invented by none other than the good old NHS. A while ago they wrote offering me a kit something like a home pregnancy test except that it was a home bowel cancer test (just routine, no cause for concern). I thought I might as well, so I said yes, whereupon a mysterious brown envelope arrived in the post containing All You Need to test for bowel cancer.
*WARNING! GROSSNESS ALERT: DO NOT READ IF EATING*
Well, I had to read the instructions a few times before I could understand them – but basically the test is an alternative to taking a stool sample to the doctor’s and having it tested. However, it is not easy. First you must peel back the cover to reveal two small windows. Next you must catch your stool. This is an unpleasant process involving folded toilet paper and much reaching: it can be quite alarming to feel just how much crap is emerging from the anus and trying to decide on a cut-off point which will not overspill the toilet paper (I did warn you it was gross.) Then, having caught your turd (and still not able to wipe the bum) holding said steaming grossness in one hand, you must take a stick in the other hand (hence the name) and delicately scrape a little from the turd, transferring some of this in the form of a smear onto one of the windows. This soiled stick must then be deposited somewhere whilst repeating the process with a clean stick. The window can then be sealed and the cleanup can commence. This ordeal needs to be repeated three times on consecutive days before the tiny package of disgustingness can be sealed and posted.
Oh my days!
And that’s my new game of poosticks. I hope the results will be clear: no reason to think they won’t.