The Blandest Thing on the Menu

What am I doing at the moment? I’m glad you asked. I’m rewriting a story I first wrote years ago for Woman’s Weekly magazine. Why? Because women’s magazines pay squoodles of dosh for a story and I thought it was worth a bash. I had several bashes at it in fact and I did ‘study’ the magazine as you’re supposed to before submitting, the conclusions of my study being that I should make the story as bland as possible. Now, things have moved on since then and it may be that Woman’s Weekly is as raunchy these days as Cosmo once was, but in those days the stories were so gentle as to be practically soporific. Well, I gave it my best shot (of valium)and when one story was rejected I wrote another, even blander one. Of course there’s no way of knowing why a story has been rejected so I might have been completely on the wrong track, but I couldn’t help thinking of Goodness Gracious Me and the guys who get hammered and ‘go for an English.’

I guess blandness isn’t in my nature… but it can be problematic to find out what is in your nature and other people’s guidelines are a very blunt instrument for doing so; sometimes they help and sometimes they don’t. If I’m feeling secure, I just sweep the unhelpful ones aside. But today I discovered Colm Toibin’s rules for writing and they made me feel thoroughly inadequate. He suggests writing all day with a short break for lunch and then another for the news, then writing until bedtime. No sex, alcohol or drugs while writing (yes, I agree with that) but not much of anything else either. I know I can’t work like that, and I ended up feeling quite inadequate. ‘I’m not doing enough! I’m not dedicated enough!’ And underneath it all the sly whisper of conditioning, is this because I’m a not a man? Am I actually the blandest thing on the menu?

But what’s missing here is context. From the tone of these rules I suspect that he wrote them for himself rather than for others; I also suspect that he has periods of writing and periods of rest as no-one could keep up such a schedule 24/7/365. In any case other writers’ rules are very hit-and-miss, and when they miss we should give them a wide berth.

Kirk out

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6 thoughts on “The Blandest Thing on the Menu

    1. I know, it sounds great doesn’t it when you read how much they pay? But it’s hellishly hard to get into and it wasn’t even my style really so in the end it seemed pointless to pursue it

      1. If you have a field of expertise and you’re working with the latest developments in that field, then a magazine that serves that niche could work.

  1. In my experience, a ‘set format’ for writing doesn’t work indefinitely. You might try the pomodoro technique for a bit, but then drop ti because you can’t sustain it. If you believe the hype, Virigina Andrews often wrote for twenty-four hours solid. Word counts mean sweet llareggub -500 good words are worth more than 5,000 lousy ones that will need to be junked.

  2. Good point about word counts – I just use them to motivate myself when writing a first draft, otherwise not at all. What’s the pomodoro technique?

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