Poo by Post

Warning: not for the squeamish

When you get to a certain age in the UK you get a little package through the post. This helpful little parcel contains all you need to take a sample of poo and send it to the nice people at the lab so they can see if you have (or might have) bowel cancer. It’s a good idea because it eliminates the need for hospital or doctor appointments and means you can take the sample in the comfort of your own home.

All the instructions now refer to ‘poo’; this seems to be the standard vocab nowadays, either because they think no-one understands faeces or because they can’t spell it (I know there’s an a in there somewhere…) It’s a sensible change, although it does make the whole thing sound like toilet instructions to a toddler (just go and do a poo now, there’s a good girl.)

So basically what you have to do is trap the poo in some toilet paper and then extract a stick from the sample bottle by unscrewing the cap and sliding the stick along the turd. You basically need about three hands for this so it’s useful to have a non-squeamish partner around to hold the bottle (I think getting them to hold the poo would put a strain on any relationship). Then you cork the whole thing up, stick it in the pre-paid envelope and bung it in the post and Bob’s your uncle. Poo by post!

I’m trying not to think of what will happen to these wonderful free services after Brexit. I’m really starting to think we’ll end up moving to Scotland…

Kirk out