I’d Like to Report a Flat Battery

So the plan was to get some petrol, drive up to Zouch and walk along the canal towards Sutton Bonington, charging the battery in the process. I got my gear together and went out, turned the key in the ignition and – yep, you’ve guessed it, it was already flat. The engine wheezed once or twice but despite my furious pumping of the accelerator it failed to ignite. Not to worry! I have my trusty jump leads in the boot for just such an eventuality as this. I knocked next door and they came out and got me started. So that was that problem sorted.

Zouch was unsurprisingly very muddy when I got there but I parked up and walked a couple of miles, then turned and came back. It’s a lovely walk and in the summer I went further and came back via the very picturesque village of Sutton Bonington. Nottingham University’s botanical department has a plantation of trees between the canal and the village, which is lovely especially in autumn. And back to the car; a slight anxiety about turning round without dumping it in the canal (there was never any real risk of it but even a theoretical risk is enough for my mind to present me with scenarios of doom) and so home, where a worried OH wondered where I was since, the car engine being left running, I’d had no time to say goodbye before leaving.

I don’t know if good fences make good neighbours but good jump-leads certainly help. I always remember a story I heard when I lived in Leigh about a guy who was always baiting the police (the boys in blue were not popular up there since every second person was on some kind of hallucinogen) – anyway, this guy marched into the police station and said, ‘I’d like to report a flat battery.’

That’s not an offence, sir,’ replied the desk sergeant.

‘No,’ explained the guy, ‘it’s flat.’

After a few irritating exchanges he took the officer outside and showed him a car that was completely squashed – with, yes, a very flat battery. The officer was not amused; whether he did the guy for wasting police time is not recorded.

And that was my afternoon.

Kirk out


My brain’s in a whirl this morning. I had a difficult phone call last night and of course woke around five and started mulling it over, composing emails in my mind and making speeches to the darkened air. I wish I could find a way to control my brain but I guess that’s the price you pay for creativity. Some people worry about the gas bill; I compose limericks and try to rhyme weird words with other weird words. Though I have been known to worry about the gas bill as well.

I’ve been making more of a conscious effort to be eco-friendly of late; I go round the house turning off radiators and putting on more layers if I’m cold. The pandemic has been good in that I haven’t driven anywhere – my mileage in the last year must be less than 300 and since December the furthest I’ve been is down to the supermarket for my ‘click and collect’ order. Which reminds me, I need to put in another one… but I’m starting to worry that the battery will go flat, so today I’m going to take her out for a short spin and blow-dry and have a walk by the canal to clear my head.

That’s all for today. I can’t assemble any thoughts. So how have you been?

Kirk out