Here’s a summary of my latest creative endeavour, a fifteen-minute radio play entitled ‘Brexit: a Farce in Two Acts’.
Scene 1: The f*** up.
Dodgy Dave wants to screw Britannia, whom he fancies. Urged on by his mate Nigel, manager of thrash metal band ‘The Kippers’, he asks her out and decides to sleep with her. What’s the worst that could happen?
Scene 2: the consequences
Dave has had his fun and goes whistling back to No 10 for a good night’s sleep. He’s so sure nothing can go wrong, he refuses even to consider advising Brit to take a morning-after pill.
Unfortunately, 52% of Dave’s sperm were fertile and Brit has a positive result to her test. In one year she will give birth to a child who will be called Brexit.
Dave refuses to do the decent thing and support Brit: appalled at the news, he scarpers and is never seen again.
Act 2: Brexit
Brexit is born, but it is clear that she has multiple handicaps. Misshapen, misbegotten and malformed, her mere presence divides the country in two: those who think she should be strangled and those who think she’ll be absolutely fine in spite of everything.
Brex is an unhappy child, forced at a very early age to go to Brussels and negotiate with the EU even though she doesn’t know what she wants apart from three words written on a piece of paper: strong, stable and hard.
Seeing the state her child is in, Brit is devastated. She is diagnosed with acute schizophrenia and sent to lie down in a darkened room. Brexit comes back from Brussels with another piece of paper, though what is written on it is not yet clear.
I’ve written this into a fifteen-minute play and will look for a suitable slot on which to perform it.