I’m engaged in a battle. Just like every man with male pattern baldness, I have my own problem, which I call lawn pattern baldness: for there are patches in my lawn where any sort of grass refuses to grow. At first I thought it was easy to solve: I went into B&Q and bore home in triumph a pack of ‘lawn patch reseeder.’ What could be more perfect; more thoroughly do what it said on the tin? I read the instructions carefully as the first instruction was to read the instructions carefully (this goes against the grain as my usual practice is to do so when all else fails) – and they said to churn up the surface with a fork and then spread seed to a depth of 2 mm. What was not clear was whether the seeds should be 2 mm under the soil or should themselves cover a depth of 2 mm. Uncertain, I opted for the second and tied some black cotton across should any birds feel the urge to help themselves. I watered the patches religiously with a twice-daily shower, and waited. The grass grew lush and tall all around the patches, but on them – nothing. Not a hair. ‘Well,’ I thought to myself, ‘maybe you are supposed to cover the seeds with 2 mm of earth.’ I duly got out the packet and buried another lot of seeds under 2 mm of earth. Water as before; wait. The grass around grew ever taller and greener but when I finally parted it and looked under – nothing. The patches were stubbornly bare.
So now I’m searching for a cure for lawn pattern baldness. Any ideas?
PS I note that a couple of weeks ago I expressed a desire to read ‘No is Not Enough’ by Naomi Klein and just thought I’d let you know that I am now reading it. I’ll post a review at some point when I come across this post and note that I’ve promised you a review…