For some inexplicable reason, my latest works of staggering genius didn’t make it onto Newsjack. Well, I thought they’d be inundated with stuff about the Tory Party conference so here, as promised, I display them for your delectation:
Last week Theresa May was standing in an empty hall trying to get over a bad cough when a rogue Tory Party conference broke in and handed her a list of Labour Party policies. It is not known how the conference, played by a bunch of comedians, was allowed access to the PM.
The conference slogan was in trouble too, when a couple of words fell off, obscuring the message ‘building a country that works or everyone will die’. Officials have denied that the message originally read ‘come back Dave all is forgiven’.
Afterwards there was an epidemic of tumbleweed as Party members were asked their opinions on Theresa May’s speech. Many of them had gone to bed hoping it was all a British dream but woken up to find it was only too real.
I’m wasted here…
I’ve been busy this morning putting together some jokes for Newsjack about the Tory Party Conference, and coming up against the ‘Trump Conundrum’ ie how can you make fun of something that is itself a joke? Still by dint of Herculean efforts I’ve come up with a few one-liners: if they don’t get on – and let’s face it, they’ll be inundated by such contributions this week – then I’ll post them here. Not to mention the possibility that she might resign or be pushed over the weekend.
What a fiasco though, eh? Left to itself the speech would have been dull and unmemorable, the only good points stolen from Labour and the rest an embarrassment of poverty. Who came up with the phrase ‘British dream’ and what were they on at the time? Lots of cocoa, one can only assume… We sat through the turgid flow for several sluggish minutes before OH had the brainwave of putting it on at double-speed; even then it was hardly entertaining. I would imagine you have to watch a Theresa May speech at x 10 speed for it even to approach fun.
I can’t tell you much about what was in it, since there wasn’t much to tell. As I say, she’d stolen a few initiatives from Labour, plus a lot of hollow rhetoric about equality and stuff, but the biggest cheers came from remarks about ‘wanting everyone to keep their money’ and ‘enjoying the rewards of all your hard work.’
The contrast with Corbyn could hardly be greater. But the worst, as we already knew, was yet to come. First a rogue ‘comedian’ broke in and handed her a P45 (even the Tory party disruptions are dull) and then she broke into a coughing fit* which lasted most of the rest of the speech. Being Tories they manfully stood and clapped during the battle between voice and phlegm, but no amount of standing ovation could smooth over the car-crash of this speech. If more evidence of God’s disapproval were needed, an ‘F’ fell off the sign behind her and, for all I know, down the back of her dress. You’d have thought the Tories could afford decent signage at least.
Ah well – it’s all good fun, as was Amber Rudd’s excruciating interview on PM last night:
William Hill are giving 9/4 odds on Theresa May resigning this year. Mind you, I’m none the wiser as I don’t really know what 9/4 means…
*I almost wrote ‘coffin fit’ – Freudian slip